Baby Gear

Last weekend I went baby shopping with my mom and best friend from college. I had gone a little out of control in making a list of what I wanted to make sure I registered only for what I needed and not get too out of control. We started out at Target and I registered for a few things there but since I know their return policy isn't great I decided to not go too crazy in there. The next stop we made was at a store called Buy Buy Baby we had planned on going there since my friend E had told me it was a great store and then we were going to finish up at the large Babies R Us up the road. Well we got about halfway through shopping and registering there (and dragging my mom out of the baby clothes section before she bought everything with a monkey on it :)) and realized that we did not even want to go to Babies R Us, we could get everything we needed at Buy Buy Baby and the customer service was above board, they checked in with us every now and then and had all the answers to the questions we had and even brought us some bottles of water (no charge!) while we were shopping. I took care of about 95% of the list there and left a few things for the locally owned store Kids Town since N advised me that some of his family does not really like online shopping and since the closest Buy Buy Baby is either in Nashua NH or Albany NH I figured that would be for the best. I had a ton of fun looking at all the baby stuff and it was a little overwhelming but thanks to a book lent to me by E and some e-mailed advice from E and S I was able to knock out the list pretty well.

The rest of the weekend was nice too. I remember when I first got pregnant I told my mom one of my fears was becoming one of those women who people wondered if they were just overweight or pregnant. My fears were compounded by the fact that I went into this pregnancy on the overweight side (I would never have thought I would have weight issues since I was a twig in high school). I told my mom that I really wanted a cute preggo belly. I was starting to feel like I just looked a little fat and since the people I see, I see all the time it was hard to really get a good handle on this. Well going home to NH and seeing people who haven't seen me since before I was pregnant and having them tell me how great I look and how I barely even looked like I gained weight except my belly was really reassuring. I know that I need to gain weight for the baby but I know that if I gain too much weight it can cause problems for me and baby so I don't want to have to add to my worries. As of my 21 week check up I've only gained 10 pounds so far so I'm right on track and feeling great. I'm starting to enjoy pregnancy a little more, although the crazy emotions sometimes get to me a little bit. I'll try and get N to take some belly pics (I really wish I had started this sooner) and get them up here.

Ultrasound Day

Today was the big 20 week ultrasound! Last night I have to admit I was having a bad day and not really liking being pregnant because I was feeling pretty emotional for reasons that aren't really important now but it was something that was bugging me yesterday. Anyways I woke up this morning to snow falling from the sky making the world look like a snowglobe. We made our way to the hospital and were just on time for the appointment. We went into the room and met the sonographer who turned out to be the best! She talked us through everything she was looking at (except gender because we want a surprise!). She looked at all the necessary things like the kidneys, stomach, bladder, heart, brain, legs, arms and face. Everything looked great and it was so nice to see everything looking great. I'm pretty sure we're in for a hyperactive kid just like me since the kiddo was wiggling around and she kept having trouble getting some of the views. Baby was even pointing, lifting its hand up by its head and then threw in a high kick for good measure. It was amazing to see everything and we came away with six pictures and a DVD of the ENTIRE THING! I can't wait to show my mom this weekend when I travel to her house and we go on our shopping/registering adventure! I also did something I swore I would never do, I put up the pics on facebook. I know that sometimes it's hard for people to see them who have gone through what we went through or worse but I decided that since it's been long enough and I don't really post a ton about the pregnancy that I was going to go ahead and give other people what they were asking for.....pictures. If someone sends me a message that it bothers them, then I will take them down if need be but otherwise I just went for it :)

Almost Ultrasound Time

I'm getting pretty excited because in one week we get to have the big exciting 20 week ultrasound! I can't wait to see the little munchkin on the big screen and see how much they've grown. We're still steadfast on not finding out the sex of the baby much to many people's chagrin (to include my mother in law who wants to join us at the appointment so she can try and figure out what the gender is!) so I'm just plain excited to see the baby. Most of the annoying symptoms have gone away which is nice because not puking is a good thing. Lately I've just had really weird craving like being hungry for Caesar salad at 2:30 in the morning. I'm glad most of my cravings have been healthy for the most part. I'm starting to get a little bit of a baby belly, and my jeans are not buttoning as well. I've been in my maternity pants for a few weeks mainly because it's uncomfortable to wear regular jeans at work. An awesome friend just gave me a belly band which allows me to wear my regular pants unbuttoned which is nice since I only have one pair of maternity pants. I'm also pretty sure that I'm starting to feel movement especially since supposedly this is the time that women sometimes start feeling it. It's like little butterfly wiggles in my belly and I can't wait until they get more and more noticeable.

In other news I'm going to visit my mom in a week and a half to do some baby registering and shopping! I'm really excited to see her since I have not seen her since we found out that we are pregnant so it'll be super fun!

Baby Brain

So everything they say about baby brain during pregnancy is totally true, I'm telling you I can't remember anything, which is bad because my ADHD brain normally has trouble remembering things. Just like posting on this blog, I keep having random thoughts I want to post on here and then I get to work with my great ideas get off topic and poof another day goes by where I don't remember to update the blog for any of those readers out there and for me to remember all the changes and fears and whatnot I have during this pregnancy.

I have tentatively made the switch to preggo pants. I find that my regular pants are slightly tight and I can wear them when I'm not at work but since my job entails me sitting down for eight hours nearly straight I can't stand how snug they get by the middle of my shift. Of course seeing as how feel like I barely have a belly (due to the overeating of sweets in my year and a half journey to get here and depressed eating) since I already carry my weight in pretty much the exact place that baby grows. I am finally able to eat with regularity which is but now I'm hungry all the time and some days it's for junk food and some days it's for healthy food. I find that I still shy away from most protein sources (ie: meat) because there's just something that turns me off from them so I've been trying to get protein from cheese and yogurt and the occasional meat like product. Most of the time I really want veggies or a grilled cheese so those have become a huge part of my diet. I'm trying to not let myself go too crazy with the sweets and lucky for me I get heartburn if I get out of control so that prevents me from doing so.

I also have been finding my energy levels on some days being much better than before, but then again there are days where I'm just pooped. I assume this is my body preparing me for motherhood. The other weird and slightly annoying thing (besides waking up to pee at least once or twice a night!) is that my mouth always tastes funny so I'm eating tic tacs like it's my job (not a huge gum fan). It's even to the point where sometimes food tastes funny to me and I know it shouldn't.

Lastly we finally started our daycare search. It took me awhile to convince N that it was important to do it now (he pretty much shut down when I tried even talk about it). So far we've found a couple of places that we've liked and are on waiting lists at those places. This is probably my biggest stressor right now because it's so up in the air. I can plan for a lot of things (and boy do I like planning) but I have to just wait and see and hope that we figure out a solution.

Next appointment is on Monday and the big ultrasound is on Dec 6th. I'll try and be better about updates!

Officially Announcing

Now that I am nearly 13 weeks along I can actually publish all those posts that have been waiting for me to be 100% public. Tomorrow I'm even going to let my supervisors at work in on the exciting news! I'm excited to not keep it as secret as I've been trying to, although there have been a handful of people who have been in on the exciting secret. Today we had a doctor's appointment and things are looking good. I was a little bummed that today didn't include an ultrasound since I love seeing those but we did get to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I have to admit I was a little nervous at first because there was a NP student doing the Doppler and she was having trouble getting the wand in the right spot but then the actual NP took over and quickly found it. It was pretty amazing to listen to and I still can't get over how awesome this all is for us! Now if only the nausea will go away 100%, thankfully it's okay to keep taking the Zoforan which is a godsend in quelling the nausea. Other than that I'm really looking forward to getting my "baby bump" but I know that's a few weeks off! I'm still so happy that we are pregnant and that things are going very well.

Maternity Wear

I definitely don't have a belly yet but nonetheless I made my first foray into the maternity store at the local mall. Since I've been pregnant I've had all sorts of symptoms to include some very annoying breast tenderness. I'm used to having this problem since I'm rather large chested and they tend to hurt during my period. I usually can deal with it pretty well but recently it has gotten to the point that they are so tender it hurts to sleep without a bra. As just about any woman can tell you sleeping with a bra is not fun and I use to enjoy at the end of the day when I could take it off. So I started researching what I could wear for a little support while I was sleeping and came across these bras meant for sleeping that also double as a nighttime breast feeding bra so I went to the store today and tried them on. They remind me of the support that one gets from a tank top shelf bra which is pretty much all I need at night so I bought two. I also took the risk of buying a pair of maternity pants. I've been nervous to start buying anything before I hit twelve weeks for fear of "jinxing things" (I know it seems a little odd but a girl's gotta be a little superstitious and cautious after spending all this time and energy getting here). I know I don't need the pants yet and I just bought the kind that falls under the belly so that they'll be good for when I start to get a little bit of a belly. It probably seems odd to those that have had babies and had huge bellies that caused pain near the end of their pregnancy but I'm so excited to start getting a belly! I was speaking to a friend the other day who said she asked N if he was excited and he told her that he thought he'd get even more excited when I got a belly. So now I'm wanting the boobs to stop growing and the belly to start showing (and yes I know it'll probably be a few more weeks at the very least). For now I keep staying positive and taking anti-nausea meds so I can eat and not get sick.

9 weeks

So I've had two more ultra sounds since the last time I wrote and also officially graduated from the infertility clinic! I've started going back to my regular ob/gyn and all looks well. The nausea and vomiting had been continuing and caused quite a bit of suffering on my part. I was getting pretty frustrated with not being able to eat or drink for approximately 3 weeks. When I went to my regular ob/gyn on Monday I told her about this and she asked if I had lost weight and since they had just weighed me I was able to tell her I've lost about 10 pounds in the last 2.5 weeks. Normally any woman would be super pumped to have lost weight but in my case it is definitely not a good thing. She immediately prescribed me some anti-nausea medication so that I could avoid continuing being dehydrated and not eating. I went and filled that prescription after my appointment on Monday and have finally been able to eat again! This is super exciting because it's really nice to be able to eat again and not puke. I have had some bouts of minor nausea but nothing like before and I've been trying to stay on top of taking the meds when I need to so I can ward it off. Other than that and being pretty tired most of the time I'm feeling pretty good and looking forward to the next few weeks as I end my first trimester. Once I get through this first trimester I'll be able to feel a little sigh of relief as the higher risk for miscarriage goes down (although I'm not in any risk categories I just worry after all the time it took to conceive). This means in October I'll start actually baby shopping. I'll try and keep people updated through this blog once I actually post this and the other ones that I've written and I'll also upload pics from the ultrasound.

Morning Sickness....it's a LIE!

I'm trying really hard to promise myself I won't complain. I wanted to be pregnant so badly that I was ready for anything..........or so I thought. I was prepared for morning sickness...as in the literal definition, in the morning. I was NOT prepared to feel like vomiting 90% of most days and some of them vomiting just about everything I've eaten. So far I've tried almost all the tricks that everyone recommends: crackers, ginger ale, eating small meals, attempting to eat protein. None of it has done me any good. I feel nauseous most of the day and I have absolutely no appetite. This is another frustration. I've never ever been a picky eater and now here I am wanting absolutely nothing to eat. I can't even find a source of protein that I can stomach and them smell or thought of them makes me gag. I spend feel like I spend half the day gagging or dry heaving and some days actually vomiting in the AM, noontime, the PM, pretty much any old time. The worst part is that N thinks this is hilarious. I don't know why he thinks it's so funny but apparently according to him he thinks it's funny because it means my body is doing what it should be doing. While intellectually I know that it's normal and means my hormones are doing what they are supposed to be doing, I'm actually getting ready to have a countdown to the end of the first trimester and praying that I'm not one of those people that feels sick through her entire pregnancy. N even commented to me the other day "so three kids is what you want", I told him yes, I'd go through this suffering for two more kids because I know the reward will be huge. I'm sorry if all this seems a little whiny because I know I should be all giddy and happy that I'm actually finally pregnant, but you try feeling like you're going to vomit and can't find any foods that agree with you for weeks on end and tell me how fun that is for you! I suppose if this keeps up as bad as it has been I will be talking to my doctor for recommendations of getting the nutrition we need.

End of Study

I am officially done with the study! I am now officially six weeks pregnant and had my first ultrasound today. It was pretty amazing how small our little monkey is right now and how fast the little heartbeat seems. I almost cried when I saw the little tiny fluttering and N had a huge smile on his face. It's still really early so it's all still pretty top secret with only our parents knowing and a few close friends that we can lean on if something were to happen. I am remaining positive that everything will go very smoothly and there will be no more speed bumps as the weeks go on. I've had a lot of "morning" sickness that pretty much amounts to me feeling like I'm going to vomit 90% of the day but I look at is as a good sign that my hormones are doing the normal things. I try and stay as upbeat as I possibly can because that's gotten me through up to this point. I have faith (if you want to call it that) that things will go smoothly as long as a rest and keep trying to eat when I'm hungry.

Holy Crap!!!!

Two days ago (it will be longer than that by the time you read this because I'm waiting to post about this) I hit magical cycle day 40. I call the people from the study and went in for a blood test because I was too much of a wuss to do a UPT (and they would have had to do one anyways). N and I went out to try and lower our mortgage payments and while we were in a meeting my phone rings. I stepped out to take it and got the best news ever, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! I was practically crying when I got back in the room. I was just stunned and shaking and it too about 2 hours to stop shaking. My beta HCG test (the blood pregnancy test) was at over 5000 on Monday. I went back today for another blood test and the beta HCG doubled to about 10000, this is good and exactly what it's supposed to do. I am still off the wall excited and I'm not ready to be completely public with this since we're only at about 5 weeks. I go next week for my ultrasound and N and I are excited and hope that we'll be able to hear a heartbeat (if I'm around six weeks at that time we should be able to). I'm still in utter shock that I'm actually finally pregnant. And yesterday the fun exciting queasiness decided to start, and this AM I was definitely not feeling well. I guess I better stock up on ginger ale with real ginger and crackers.

Heartbreak Hotel

Today I had my last "ovulation check" appointment where they determine if I ovulated this past month and whether or not I am pregnant yet. I did once again ovulate but as of my pregnancy test today I am not pregnant. The study coordinator told me that more than likely that would be the definitive answer unless for some reason I ovulated just yesterday or the day before but that the blood test would be able to tell me a very early positive test. I held it together in the office fairly well, although I couldn't really look them in the eye and when I got to my car I got pretty upset, but I was able to hold most of my tears in since I had to be at work and needed my "game face" on. This was the last month of study medications so that means that unless some sort of miracle happens I did not get pregnant on the study. This is disappointing for me and the coordinator and even the sonographer (the same woman who did my ultrasound every month) because they were all rooting for me a lot since I was very compliant towards the study.

I'm hugely disappointed because I really want to be pregnant now and I'm working really hard to not get too impatient. Right now it's just a waiting game until either my period comes or I magically get a positive test. After that I'll do an end of study visit and then make an appointment with the infertility specialist (who also happens to be in charge of the study). I'm not sure what the next steps will be but I have a couple of ideas. Either I'll end up trying Clomid (since I think I was on the other medication for the study, although this has not been confirmed) or I'll move on to IUI. At first I was scared of the cost of IUI because I was under the impression that it cost the same as IVF (IUI= intrauterine infertiliztion and IVF= in-vitro fertilization) and I wasn't sure if N and I would be able to afford either option. IUI looks like it may end up being our next step and it turns out that it's only between $250-500 which is far more affordable than IVF ($10,000 a pop). I'm really hoping that if we do have to go the IUI route that it proves successful.

As for now I get to play the waiting game and work on staying positive because otherwise I'll never get anywhere.

Last Round of Study Meds

As suspected my pregnacy test last week was negative. Last night I finished the last pill in the last round of taking the study medications. The study only lasts for five months so I'm hoping for the sake of me and the study that this month will be my lucky month. If not at least I've learned through doing the study that medication does indeed help solve the problem of me ovulating which so far is the only problem that we have found in our infertility workups. I'm hoping that if I don't become pregnant this round that I will be able to continue to use medication rather than having to go to other (and far more costly) routes. I'm almost positive that the next step would be IUI since we just have the ovulation problem but I would hope that since medication has proven to be effective that we can stuck with that route since my insurance covers Clomid (although I have a feeling that I'm on the other med through the study, there's no way to know since it is a double-blind study) and although my insurance covers the workups for infertility it does not cover any other treatment beyond Clomid. N and I were talking about this since we plan on making an appointment right off with Dr Casson if I'm not pregnant after this round of the study, and N said that perhaps if Clomid isn't the medication that I'm on and I end up going that route that perhaps it would work better. Only time will tell and I'm really hoping that it happens for us this time around. I'm also keeping in mind that normal women who are fertile and ovulate on their own take up to five months to get pregnant since there's only really a a 20% chance of getting pregnant every month so maybe this will happen. For now I'm going to try and remain relaxed and stress free as the weeks go by.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

As I'm sure can be gleaned from the title of the post, I got my period today. This week I've been having spotting when I wipe but there wasn't anything worth using a tampon for since it never even stained my underwear. I was so hopeful that this was just some sort of weird early pregnancy spotting type thing since I made it all the way to cycle day 35 this time around, but alas today it got all crazy and bam, not pregnant (unless I'm going to one of those fake period during pregnancy people). While my body was betraying me it started turning into the day of hell at work (12 calls in 2 hours and for those that read this that know me personally that's an insane 2 hours). Then just as things at work are calming down and the cramps that were making me feel like I was going to vomit, a coworker came in and told me that I had a flat tire. I'm not going to go into detail about the disagreement this caused between N and I since this is not a blog about what kind of stress related fights we get into (beyond the sex life stuff). So to sum up my horrible day: period=not pregnant (unless the blood test tells me different), ridiculously busy few hours at work, follow it all up with a flat tire causing a disagreement between N and I. Like I said to begin with a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (anyone remember the book from childhood?)

Seeing What the Week Brings

Once again the tests show I have ovulated this month. I had a feeling that the tests would show this because I definitely felt the ovulation once again. This month was a little tough because I kept getting some really nasty headaches. I told them about this at my appointment and got a prescription for some meds to try and help with them since a lot of the time they are like borderline migraines. My appointment this month was still fairly early in the cycle (day 22) so the blood test showed negative for pregnancy. Of course it's early in the cycle so it could have been too early to show pregnancy. Now I'm in the waiting game of the phase. I feel like I've been less stressed about this whole process this month so I'm hoping that continues for the next 10 days of the waiting game and also hoping it helped in our quest. If my period does in fact come this month I only have one more month on the study and then if it still doesn't happen I'll be finished with the study and moving on to meeting with the infertility specialist and seeing what happens next and what steps we're going to need to take.

For now though....fingers crossed.

Luckier Than Most

I bought a book about dealing with infertility last week. It didn't take me long to read because I read a lot but it did give me a little bit of insight. The most important thing I gleaned from reading said book was that I am, all things considered, incredibly lucky. As I read stories from women who were closer to 40 rather than 30, lived a million miles from their doctors and had multiple problems pertaining to infertility I came to the realization that I am far luckier than I usually let myself believe. I am not even 30 yet, in fact I'll be merely 27 in a few months. We only have one thing working against us in our fertility quest, my lack of being able to ovulate, which we have since fixed via medications. Most importantly I live a mere 15 minutes away from the nearest infertility center with one of the most well known infertility doctors in the area. For all these things I feel like a pretty lucky infertility patient, if there is such a thing. As of this point we don't believe we will have to go through any IVF type treatments since I do ovulate with a little help from my friend modern science. The doctor that I'm working with, upon mention of his name, is well known for making sure women who want babies, and are in some way able to have them, will have the babies they dream of. Best of all I don't have to travel hours and spend the night in strange cities in order to receive any treatments since the major hospital where the clinic is located is 15 minutes from my house and place of work.

I'm going to try and keep these things in mind when I start to get sad about not being pregnant and not being able to give N his first father's day today. I have high hopes that perhaps next year we will be able to celebrate both mother and father's day by getting woken up in the middle of the night by more than just our dog.

As for my current month's treatment I will expect ovulation next week sometime so lots of baby dancing and positive thoughts.

False Hope

Once again my period decided to show up, just a few days later this time around. Hopefully I'll be able to get my blood drawn later today to confirm the negative I got with a UPT. I'm pretty bummed but I just ordered a book on Barnes and Noble's website that has information about infertility and how to deal with all the things that come with it and all the options out there. I enjoy reading so I thought maybe a book that deals with what I'm going through may be helpful. I'm really trying to not get too down on myself but as anyone who goes through infertility it can be really hard to stay postive 100% of the time. I've also gotten back into working out which I hope helps because I do always feel better when I've been exercising. I suppose on the upside at this rate I'm not going to have to be heavily pregnant during any hot summer months so that's a nice thing to think about. For now back to the grind for another month.

Update: negative pregnancy test as expected, start new round of meds now.

Tick Tock

Here I am once again patiently waiting as the cycle days slowly tick by. Now that it's after midnight I'm officially on cycle day 33 which is about the cycle day that my period has started for the last three months, along with some spotting before that. So far nothing and I'm starting to get my hopes up but at the same time trying to keep a realistic feeling about all this so I'm not too disappointed if it turns out to be negative again this month. My progesterone was nice and high though which means I definitely did not have a problem with ovulation (according to an online source I found they want to see anything greater than a 15 for people undergoing fertility treatment). I also haven't really felt any of the normal cramps that I get right before my period but then again this could all mean nothing and my cycle could just be extra long this month. N and I were talking and when I was telling him this he asked me to please not get my hopes all up again because it breaks his heart every month to see my hit that low when my period comes. I'm really working hard to keep on an even keel but as anyone who has gone through this can tell you it's really hard and it feels like watching a pot of water boil. I just wish I wasn't so impatient and stubborn since I probably should take a UPT but a part of me is just nervous to take one for the fear of yet another negative. For now fingers crossed.

Ovulation

Once again test confirmed that I did indeed ovulated this month (as I suspected since now I can tell when I am ovulating). The pregnancy test they did today was negative which bummed me out a little but I'm still maintaining hope like I always do because if I get too down on myself about it I get really mopey and sad. Fingers crossed that today was just too early to tell (I'm on cycle day 28 and I usually have about 33 day cycles).

It's almost that time again

Thursday is my next doctor's appointment where I find out if I ovulated or not. I'm pretty sure I did because I felt those same "twinges" around the time that ovulation should occur for me. We're also staying on course with our baby dancing so I'm hoping that this will be our month. I've tried to take a more laid back approach this month and hope that what I want to happen will happen. Of course I'm very happy that I've been ovulating but I'd like to actually be pregnant. I'm going to work really hard this month to try and not read into signs and what not and I should know by the end of next week whether or not I will get to be called a mother next year. Fingers crossed.

Baby Dance

I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday as I experienced the "twinges" I've felt the last couple of months around the correct time. I've also had this lovely mild headache the last few days which is oh so much fun. I tend to get headaches for random reasons and they're usually not bad just mild and annoying, emphasis on annoying. I'm sure some of it has to do with hormones so I'm hopeful that maybe once I have a baby my hormones will get kicked into a "normal" mode and I won't have to deal with the mild annoying headaches.
Also last night when attempting to convince my hubby that it was important that we baby dance (believe it or not once he got it guaranteed he doesn't want it like he used it, apparently the chase was more fun for him) we had a minor little spat again about how he feels like a machine and that we have no passion in our baby dancing. I apologized for this but it also go me thinking about how I'm pretty sure every couple who struggles with infertility starts to feel like this after awhile. Let's just hope that this will be a positive month for us and then he can go back to the caveman chase.

Round #3

So it begins, another round of meds. Maybe I should look at it as a progression, month one I ovulated but only according to the blood test, month two I ovulated showing on both blood test and ultrasound so now I'm in month three and maybe it'll be a pregnant month, I certainly hope so because it's very difficult to keep not being successful and rather heartbreaking as well.

Bittersweet Day

Today is mother's day, a happy time for all the moms out there. I have the best mom in the world and I wish she didn't live 2 hours aways so I could see her more often. Today is also a really hard day for people like me who struggle with infertility. I was really hoping that for mother's day I would find out I was pregnant and it apparently wasn't in the cards this year. I'm hoping by next mother's day I will be a mother and I can celebrate happily instead of sadly. I know that this is a really hard day for all of us infertility patients because we are bombarded with all the images and commercials and web ads about mother's day. Those of us that are lucky enough to have amazing moms are able to celebrate them being there for us with a note of sadness that we want to be the bearer of the next generation. I'm sure that this over-saturation of mother's day in the media did not help my mini-meltdown the other day. Happy Mother's Day though to all the readers of this blog who are blessed with children both young and old.

Meltdown

I had myself a mini (ok maybe a bit bigger than mini meltdown) this AM. The last three days I've had a little spotting when I wipe that I commonly get right before my period starts, thus making me think that maybe this month may not be successful yet again. Combine that with my husband making comments about my weight the other day and saying he felt like there was no romance in our lovemaking anymore and you get me crying on the phone with him all the way to work. Now those of you that know me and read this know that it's pretty hard to make me cry so I'm sure what ever hormones I've got going on right now added to this. But one of the things that N and I just can't seem to see eye to eye on is how I feel like a complete failure as a woman since we've been trying since February 2009 and I can't even get pregnant on my own like a woman should be able to, while he sees it as only trying since we started the medication in March. I can understand that he sees it as success since I've ovulated the last two months but since I didn't get pregnant last month and despite my still trying to stay positive have no so great feeling about this month just does not equal overall success for me. I know that we've come farther than we have before but I just sometimes get really emotional about the fact that the one thing a woman's body is designed for I can't make happen without all this extra help. I know that women with infertility all go through this, probably on a pretty regular basis and I know I have it better than a lot of infertility patients because I am ovulating (with meds) but it is still just really hard for me to accept that it may not happen as quickly as I would like it to be. I'm still going to hold some hope out until either AF comes or this spotting stops and I turn out to be pregnant. N and I were able to talk about things tonight over dinner and I think maybe we understand each other's viewpoints a little more and we're going to try and put some romance back into the baby dance.

Ovulation Station :)

I had my doctor's appointment this AM and the good news is that I ovulated!!!! I haven't gotten the blood results yet but it was visible on the ultrasound which is awesome because last month it showed I ovulated on the blood test and did not show up on the ultrasound. I'm pretty excited about this because I totally went in to the appointment today thinking that I probably didn't and feeling a little bit down because I had a little bit of reddish discharge this AM when I went the the bathroom and wiped. I'm kind of hoping that this is maybe a little bit of the implantation bleeding, although I could be wrong. For now I've got my fingers, toes and uterus crossed hoping that I get a postive test within the next week! (And maybe today although it would be really really early and not very likely)

If Only Dreams Always Came True

I am one of those people who dreams very intensely and my dreams are usually strange and I remember them when I wake up. In the last two weeks I've have dreams that I was pregnant. This first one happened the night after I spent an afternoon with a good friend and her two week old baby. The dream that night consisted of me feeling the baby move inside of me and seeing its arms and legs poke out of my belly. I've had dreams like that before, it's the second dream I had on Sunday night. Although the dream was comingled with lots of other random things, the pregnant part sticks out the most. In this dream my mom was with me at my appointment that I have next Tuesday and I had to do my urine pregnancy test that I have to do every time I go in and it shows that I'm pregnant with a very faint line. In the dream I get excited about this but apprehensive because it still needed to be confirmed with the blood test and then waiting to make sure it stays. I'm just hoping that dreams really will come true this time around. I am maintaining less of an excited state as last month and just taking it day by day and hoping for the best but trying to not read too much into anything.

Oy My Ovaries!

I'm pretty sure I'm either ovulating or getting ready to right about now. For the last few days I've been getting that aching pressure in my pelvic area in the vicinity of my uterus that I got last month where I ovulated as well. I also have had a few "twinges" which are rather annoying but I'll deal with them if it means that I am truly ovulating right now (or sometime this week). I'm hoping that our baby dancing will be successful because what better way to celebrate Mother's Day in May then to find out I'm going to be a mother and tell my mom she's going to be a Nana. Here's to hoping and good baby dances!

Round 2

Last Friday I started round two of the meds and once again have the fun headache side effect. I'm hoping that this will be our month that we'll get lucky and become parents. On another note, apparently after 26.5 years of never having seasonal allergies I have suddenly developed them. I thought okay I'll just take some Claritin like N does, only to take one, e-mail the study coordinator and find out that I can only take benedryl. This wouldn't be a problem except benedryl makes me sleepy (I'm very susceptible to anything that causes drowsiness) so I can't just take that willy-nilly. Guess it's time to stock up on tissues!

My Heart Aches

I went in yesterday for a blood test and it was negative for pregnancy (no surprise there and that's not why my heart is aching). The reason my heart is aching is because I know how good it will feel to have a family and I want it so badly. The other day N and I were babysitting one of my best friend's kids who's 20 months old. I've known this adorable little one since the day he was born and I babysit him on a fairly regular basis. Usually I babysit by myself but this time N was able to join us for lunch. Now normally a 25 year old guy wouldn't take too much interest in a kid that wasn't his, well not my hubby. He cut up the little one's food, put a bib on him and made sure that he didn't shove his mouth too full of food. It was so amazing to watch him be such a natural with a kid that I can't wait until we have our own. On another exciting note two friends of mine recently have given birth and another one I think is going today so congrats to all of them and I look forward to meeting all the cute little ones. I suppose another way of looking at having so many friends having kids is that maybe I'll have a stockpile of friends willing to pass on things for little ones.

I start the next round of meds on Friday so I'm going to baby dance all I can and maybe all this practice will turn out a perfect little baby (or two!)

Not This Time

Well, my period started officially today, fun cramps and feeling crappy and all. I'm pretty bummed because I was really hoping this was the month for us. I suppose at least I should be happy knowing the medication made me ovulate so here's to hoping next month will be our month. I keep seeing pictures of people's cute babies and I can't wait for it to be me.

On another note, I really don't think my mother in law wants us having kids, every time I mention it she makes another comment about how "You won't have any free time" and "you can't do that when you have kids". I don't know how many different ways to impress upon her that all I want is to be pregnant and have a baby and raise a child and have a family with her son. I would think that she would be happy about this but apparently she feels it necessary to "warn" me against having them by telling me all the things I'll have to "give up" when I have kids. If only she knew how heavy my heart gets every month that goes by that I get my period. I'm just hoping she warms up to the idea as soon as we do get pregnant.

Hopes Still Up

I got an e-mail today from the study coordinator checking in to see if I had taken an UPT. I hadn't for several poor excuses: I didn't want to pee in a regular cup (the tests they give me for free require that, but now I bought paper cups), I forgot in the early AM and I was scared of a negative. Well I took a test and it was negative, which makes me a little sad but I'm on cycle day 32 right now and there's still hope that I could be pregnant, I'm going to test again first thing in the AM with first morning urine (the recommended way to do it in early pregnancy) and then if it's still negative and no period testing again on Monday. If still negative and no period then they'll do a blood test next week. Despite getting a negative test I'm still going to hope for the best because I still haven't see my period and my boobs still hurt.

Who Designed Us Anyways?

As I said in my previous post I'm patiently awaiting either my period to show up or a positive pregnancy test next week. I have officially decided that whoever invented the way a woman's body works was quite the jokester. The signs that your period is coming are: mild cramping, sore breasts, mood swings and headaches. The signs your are pregnant are: mild cramping, sore breasts, mood swings and headaches (and of course the missed period which is a tough thing for us PCOS patients). I don't know who thought it was a good idea to make this happen because right now I'm sitting here with achy boobs, weird cramps and feeling a little bit moody. I'm not planning on testing until cycle day 32 (as recommended) and I'm on cycle day 27 right now so I have until the middle of next week to either see a period or actually get the guts up to test. While I said I have a good feeling about this month along with the research associate, there are no guarantees so I'm a little bit nervous as to whether or not my uterus hurts a little bit because it's stretching to accommodate a fetus or because it's getting ready to shed it's lining. I"m not a patient person so this wait is killing me! I suppose I'm just going to have to suck it up and learn a little bit of patience and hope for the best!

Doing their Job

I went into my appointment today thinking that this wasn't going to be a month that I ovulated since I had my ultrasound done on Tuesday and the ultrasound tech said they didn't see any dominant follicles. I tried to remain positive but just assumed that I would get the same results back for my blood test today. After being at the office forever (since apparently it takes me forever to squeeze out a little bit of pee in order to do a UPT (which was negative, but it would be way too early for it to be positive anyways if I am pregnant) and then as soon as I got to work I peed 3 times!) I went on my way with the research nurse telling me that I would hear from them today to determine if my progesterone said I ovulated and the results of the blood pregnancy test (which again would probably be too soon to show it). I just received an e-mail saying I did ovulate this month so I'm really excited about this because it means that there is a chance we could've made this work this month. Right now I'm still at work barely able to contain my excitement at this, despite it not knowing whether or not I'm actually pregnant but knowing that the meds actually worked! Just to let you the reader know, I will not be posting if I find out that I'm pregnant immediately just because, although this is an "anonymous" blog, I'd rather just my family know so we know if it sticks and all that.

Long story short, meds worked, I actually ovulated and maybe just maybe the we hit an egg this month!

Droppin' eggs....maybe

The last few days I've had a headache and weird "twinges" going on in the general vicinity of my uterus. I think that this feeling of twinges, being worn down and crazy headaches may possibly mean that I'm ovulating. I rarely ever get sick and I don't really feel sick so I'm thinking (and hoping) that this headache is coming from hormone level fluctuations and that I may be in fact ovulating. It's either that or I'm PMSing and this round of meds didn't work, although like I've said before I prefer to stay positive. So this means keeping up with the baby dancing and hoping for the best. Also I go for another appointment next Thursday where I'll know for sure if I did ovulate.

Regrets-ish

I was thinking the other day about the one thing that I regret doing when starting this whole baby-making process. I told a good amount of people that we were trying because I was so excited about the prospects of having a baby and getting pregnant. Now that it's been over a year some of those people are giving me all sorts of crap about not being pregnant (mainly my guy friends assuming that N needs a pinch hitter and I'll vote them as the one-so NOT the case). Of course I don't feel comfortable telling everyone what's going on because they just might not understand but I wish they'd stop giving me crap. I suppose this is a lesson to pass on, don't tell people right off the bat that you're trying because sometimes you may not get the results you were hoping for and have to deal with the heart-wrenching question "why the heck aren't you knocked up yet?"

Tick Tock

Any time now I could be ovulating, provided the meds did what they were supposed to do. Some people say they can feel ovulation as a "twinge" or something so I keep paying close attention to my body to see if I feel that. We've been doing our baby dance every other day like planned so that we increase our chances of hitting an egg...provided my body decided to throw some down the chute this time around. I'm still remaining hopeful and dutifully tracking everything in the little journal page thing they gave me as part of the study. Despite the fact that they gave me pregnancy tests to use I'll probably wait until my appointment on the 25th when they do bloodwork to find anything out since I've grown used to waiting to take them. I'd rather keep my hopes up a little more than dash them.

On another note, the number of people who I know are pregnant is decreasing because they're all starting to have their babies. I'm looking at it as a good thing because I figure by the time we get our bundle of joy we may have a lot of people offering us their used baby clothes and whatnot.

For now I keep baby dancing and staying positive.

Halfway Through Round #1

I started my "mystery meds" as I like to call them on Thursday night after my appointment on Thursday morning. In the appointment they did another internal ultrasound.....they're going to have a lot of pics of my uterus :) and took a whole bunch of blood. They also did a urine and blood pregnancy test along with a progesterone test and confirmed that I'm not currently pregnant not did I ovulate recently so it was a go for the study meds. I've taken two already and getting ready for the third in about an hour or so (they recommend taking them at the same time so I have an alarm set on my phone) and so far the biggest side effect I've noticed is a headache....although I get those a lot anyways so it's no big thing. Now onto doing the "baby dance" every other day as is recommended and hoping things work out for the best in round one :)

In another note I totally got a funny look from my m-i-l when she told me I should use a thermometer to figure out when I ovulate and I informed her that while doing the study we would just have sex 2-3 times a week in order to ensure an egg and sperm introduction and that all the blood tests and ultrasounds will determine if I actually even ovulated this time around......she was appalled and I got a nice laugh!

It's almost time

I am done with the Provera and my "fake" aunt flo as arrived. On Thursday I have an appointment with for the study for more blood work and yet another ultrasound and then.......I start the study meds (remember I won't know exactly what I'm going to be on). I'm getting really excited that after signing up for the study in Decemeber and trying to get pregnant for a year now and having that surgery and all those tests that I'm actually going to be doing something proactive (besides sex) that has a high chance of actually working to get pregnant. I'm also nervous.....I know a strange emotion to be feeling at this point in the game but I have to admit that although I'm really excited by the idea of finally getting pregnant, I'm also very nervous about it finally actually happening. I know for a fact I'll probably be so elated that I cry when I see that positive test I'll also be freaking out just a little bit for the first three months since so many things go wrong within the first 12 weeks. Right now I'm trying to not think of these things and am looking forward (as I'm sure N is as well) to getting these meds in me and getting those egss to slide down the tubes they way they should. I'll report back later in the week after I have my appointment.....but for now I'm thinking postive while getting nervous.

Officially a Study Participant

I had my appointment yesterday morning to get all the preliminary things taken care of to start the study. The study I'm participating is a double blind study comparing two medications used in patients with PCOS, this means that I will be on one of two medications that are used to induce ovulation but neither I nor the study coordinators will know which medication I'm on. Yesterday I had to answer a whole bunch of questions and get a few tubes of blood drawn as well as a physical exam and an internal ultrasound. I was glad to learn everything in my uterus looks great (the sonographer said they had done a great job with the surgery, she couldn't even tell!. I was then sent home with a couple of pregnancy tests, a HUGE packet of paperwork to fill out regarding my health, sex life, sleeping patterns and the like, and a prescription for Provera. The Provera is a medication that will induce a period since the doctor is pretty sure I didn't ovulated last month. So rather than waiting for another month for my "period" to show up it's just easier to get it this way. I was really happy about this because as I've said I'm not very patient person this means as long as everything else about my bloodwork looks good I'll be starting on the study medications in two weeks. I'm really happy about this appointment because I feel a sense of hope that things are going to work out and we'll be pregnant before we know it, of course there's no guarantee that the meds will make me get pregnant but at least I know I'll be throwing out some eggs.
As for my husband he was glad to hear that his sperm count was pretty much off the chart high so we shouldn't have a problem there, just gotta drop a few eggs!

My Tricky Body

Despite all my hopes that my major chocolate craving and crankiness the other night was something besides PMS, it appears that another month has passed us by. I'm hoping for good things to come out of this appointment for the study and getting on the study but for now I suppose we'll have to go with the practice makes perfect motto that one of my friends keeps telling me.

Patience

Patience is NOT a virtue I possess, unfortunately in this process of trying to get pregnant while dealing with PCOS it's one I must learn to embrace. Right now I'm waiting for my period to show up in full force. As I said sometimes this blog would get a little "gross" and this will probably be one of those times. One of the fun and exciting things that comes with dealing with PCOS (read:really, really annoying) is the irregular periods. While I was on birth control I didn't have to worry because that just regulated my periods for me and it was great. Now that I've been off it and trying to get pregnant for just a few days over a year now it's become a HUGE pain in my butt. Because my cycles aren't regular I tend to get my hopes up just a little bit every time my period is "late", by which I mean a cycle over 28-30 days. Right now is one of those times. I read all about how people who are pregnant don't realize it at first because the have some spotting or "implantation bleeding" (there's question on whether this is even a real or frequent occurrence according to some) and so far this week I've had a little bit of spotting type of things when I wipe despite having all the normal signs of being pre-menstrual. Now comes the fun tricky part, the signs for being pregnant and the signs for an oncoming period are often THE SAME!!!!! How fair is that in me getting my hopes up....oh ya let's going with not at all. So the mild cramping and lower back pain along with the extreme crankiness and desire for comfort food and chocolate could mean I'm either actually pregnant on my own or my period is just taking it's sweet time getting here. Despite my desire to know one way or the other I have made a stand that I WILL NOT take a HPT (home pregnancy test) unless it's been several weeks past when I was suppose to get period. I have two solid reason for this: they're expensive and my heart breaks just a little bit every time I get a negative. I figured this time around, once again I'm going to wait it out and go to my screening appointment for the study as usual next week and hope that they are able to do all the tests I need despite not having started my period when expected. I'll update this for sure after that appointment and perhaps when I have news one way or another. For now I just sit with my lower back ache and hoping that I can avoid eating my weight in chocolate.

Follow Up

I had my post-op follow up yesterday and all is well. The doctor said that everything went very well in the surgery and they had doubled checked my fallopian tubes during the surgery which were nice and clear and she was impressed with how well my incisions healed (I attribute this to my non-smoking, non-drinking, realitivly heathly lifestyle). So now marks us going back to working on the baby-making. I have my screening appointment in a few weeks for the study and a part of me is hoping that I'll just magically get pregnant on my own thus negating the need for medications and lots and lots of tests.

Explaining Infertility

I feel as if I spend a lot of time explaining to people that I'm close with what infertility means. I can't even begin to count the number of times that I hear someone tell me "oh you guys just need to stop trying and it will happen" or "just relax, if it's meant to be it will happen sooner than you know it". While I appreciate the sentiment it hurts just a little bit every time I hear someone tell me that because in actuality with infertility it's not a matter of trying to hard or "just relaxing", in fact trying to get pregnant while dealing with infertility takes a lot of the fun and spontenity out of it because it requires you to spend time planning around cycles of medications and menstration and waiting and testing and peeing on sticks and blood tests. That's a lot of things that require specific planning. I understand that people are trying to be helpful but it hurts just a little bit when someone says that to me. Although I have to say that's not as hard as running into old friends or being with people that don't know what's going on (for good reason since I don't need everyone I know to know about this) and getting the old "when are you guys having kids" and "it's the best thing in the world". Usually I just answer "Oh, we're working on it" and leave it at that but once again my heart feels a little heavier after that since what I want to say is "We're trying really hard but unfortunately my ovaries aren't quite agreeing with our planning so I have to take medications to make them work, and yes I know it's the best thing ever but now I want to go home and cry because you felt the need to tell me this several times". Of course I don't say this since I'm not a rude or insenstive person, I just smile and say "I can't wait".

Post-Op follow up appointment is on Monday so I'll post how that goes, if I can tear myself away from the husband since he's been sex deprived since the surgery (I've made him wait so we know we're 100% a-okay to rock). Also the screening appointment for the study is scheduled in Feb so here's to hoping I get knocked up before that and don't ever even have to go on meds (small teeny tiny chance of that but hey a girl can hope)

One Hurdle Leaped

As part of infertility testing I got to go through all sorts of fun and exciting (read: painful and intrusive) testing to see what was going on in my end and my husband got to well....you know...into a cup. Yesterday we received his results in the mail and they were...drumroll please....normal. While he is really glad for that and so am I (since now we know we're not dealing with multiple problems), I can't help but feel a little bit crappy knowing it's all my problem that's causing us to not be pregnant. And for some reason I've felt very mopey about this since yesterday afternoon. On another note, at least it seems as if my time of the month is done so that means I'm that much closer to being able to get all the blood tests in order to get into the research study to go on the clomid or other medication. And I only have a week left until my post-op follow up appointment so I can find out how all that went (since I was a little drugged up post surgery they didn't tell me much). Well that's about all for now....time to go back to work and not think about how the "people I know who are pregnant and not me count" is now up to 14.....just think this number will go down soon when some of them start giving birth....ug.

Disney Channel

When I'm bored I like to watch the Disney Channel. Yes I am aware I am a grown woman with no tweenaged kids in the house, nor do I work with tweenagers (and yes I do mean tween and not teen since I feel that teens this day may feel too old for Disney Channel) but alas I still enjoy watching Disney. Now why would someone like me want to watch said channel when there is nothing better on? Well my husband asks me all the time when he catches me with it on. I think the main reason I watch it is that I don't really like watching the news, most reality shows bore me to tears and I'm often home during the day where my choices are limited despite having a million channels that I can access. I was thinking about the answer to this question the other day as I was watching old episodes of King Of Queens and the answer smacked me in the face, the episode happened to revolve around their infertility problems and it's the one where they adopt a baby only to find out they are pregnant. This is why I love watching midly entertaing shows on Disney......there are no plot lines that will revolve around pregnancy or infertility or pretty much any real adult themes. It's refreshing to watch a show knowing that I will be entertained by all the problems that once plagued me about ten years or so ago. Thus I will not stop watching the Disney Channel despite it not being geared towards my age group and heck while I'm at it I'm going to watch some Nickelodeon as well!


On another note pertaining to my current situation, I have finished the meds I was required to take after surgery (that dang estrogen was making me dizzy and the progesterone was making my stomach all messed up so this makes me happy). So that means I get to have my fun exciting time of month which sucks but means that I'm that many weeks closer to being able to get those blood tests done for the research study so I can get those ovaries working.....but for now here's hoping my ovaries decide to jumpstart themselves before that :)

Facebook Frustration

I am a facebook user and somewhat addicted to reading people's updates and all gazing at all the pictures people put up even if they are people I don't know very well. I have discovered lately that there is one thing I dislike about facebook......the "we're expecting" or "I'm pregnant" updates. While I am thouroughly thrilled that so many people are about to experience such happiness, I can help but feel a twinge of jealously towards them, especially if it's a person I feel isn't in a right place in their life to have one. This may sound cold hearted since how am I to know if having a baby is the right thing for them at this time in their life but as of right now I know nine people who are pregnant right now. My husband said this is to be expected because we're at that age where many people around us are getting married and pregnant and all that but he doesn't realize that statements like that don't really help when I'm somewhat upset at reading yet another "baby on the way" status update. It's just hard because N and I are both reasonably healthy young people in a good place in our lives both mentally and finacially to have a baby and there are so many people out there who just keep popping out kids even though they don't really want them or can't take care of them. I know this sounds somewhat like an emotionally charged rant and in some sense it is because I'm on these stupid hormones right now post surgery (3 more days of them thankfully) I just had to get this off my chest in cyberspace where only a few people I know will necessarily read it and anyone else that reads it may feel the same way.

The Beginning

Welcome to my very first blog post about my quest to become a mother. My husband N and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now and during this time have seen many of our friends get pregnant and not us. After some fun exciting blood tests it was determined that there were going to difficulties in the road to get pregnant. Most day I'm stay pretty positive about everything that is going on but there are days that the world and people's facebook posts just get to me. I intend to try and not make this blog depressing but want to warn whomever is taking the time to read it that sometimes I will have days where I'm rather emotional and my posts may be tough for someone who is on the same quest to read. This blog may also include "graphic" descriptions of random things (think periods and the such not playboy channel graphic) So with that out of the way let me tell you about what has happened so far.
I started noticing problems this past summer when I was having very irregular periods to include two a month. I decided to go to my primary care physician who told me it was just my body adjusting to being off birth control (which was stopped in February) and that I just had to wait until it had been a year. I left that appointment feeling a little disgruntled but just let it go.
This strange cycle thing happened again and I decided it was time to see a regular ob/gyn for the first time. I met a super nice doctor and she laid out a plan to check everything out including blood tests and go from there. After the first blood test I received a phone call that no woman in their mid 20's wants to hear: "I think we should start infertility testing". This was especially hard because I got this phone call while I was at work so I couldn't really ask all the questions I really wanted to ask.
The next step was more blood tests and then something called an HSG test, which I really don't want to describe because it was incredibly painful for me and something I never want to have done again (which I was told I don't ever have to do thankfully). Doing this test they determined my fallopian tubes were clear (a good thing!) but I had what the doctor thought was a uterine septum so she referred my to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
I then made an appointment for a trans-vaginal ultrasound to confirm that there was indeed a septum in there. The RE also said that I had something called Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and that he agreed with my ob/gyn that I would need to go one medications to jumpstart the old ovaries but first he wanted to fix the septum.
About a month ago I had the surgery and now I'm just waiting until I can start up on the medications (with which I'm participating in a research study since I was going to go on the meds anyways, I might as well help others in the future).

So that's the story up until now, I'll try and post on a regular basis to update on everything involved in what's going on with what I feel is one of the most important parts of my life right now. I will also be remaining anonymous (even though I know some of the people who will read this will know who I am) due to my husband not wanting me to do a blog with our names since he distrusts the internet.