Meltdown

I had myself a mini (ok maybe a bit bigger than mini meltdown) this AM. The last three days I've had a little spotting when I wipe that I commonly get right before my period starts, thus making me think that maybe this month may not be successful yet again. Combine that with my husband making comments about my weight the other day and saying he felt like there was no romance in our lovemaking anymore and you get me crying on the phone with him all the way to work. Now those of you that know me and read this know that it's pretty hard to make me cry so I'm sure what ever hormones I've got going on right now added to this. But one of the things that N and I just can't seem to see eye to eye on is how I feel like a complete failure as a woman since we've been trying since February 2009 and I can't even get pregnant on my own like a woman should be able to, while he sees it as only trying since we started the medication in March. I can understand that he sees it as success since I've ovulated the last two months but since I didn't get pregnant last month and despite my still trying to stay positive have no so great feeling about this month just does not equal overall success for me. I know that we've come farther than we have before but I just sometimes get really emotional about the fact that the one thing a woman's body is designed for I can't make happen without all this extra help. I know that women with infertility all go through this, probably on a pretty regular basis and I know I have it better than a lot of infertility patients because I am ovulating (with meds) but it is still just really hard for me to accept that it may not happen as quickly as I would like it to be. I'm still going to hold some hope out until either AF comes or this spotting stops and I turn out to be pregnant. N and I were able to talk about things tonight over dinner and I think maybe we understand each other's viewpoints a little more and we're going to try and put some romance back into the baby dance.